A day in the life of a Muslim-hating tabloid journalist

Ibrahim Khan takes a satirical look at the day in the life of an ordinary Muslim-hating  British tabloid journalist. 

8AM: Find a message from management asking for today’s anti-Muslim news story. Standard. Also, they’re unimpressed by my contributions to the showbiz section. A colleague sympathises and advises me to be as pornographic as possible in my next contribution.

9AM: I’m a bit short of ideas on the whole anti-Muslim story so I get the other standard stories out as quickly as possible. Today’s Diana story revolves around Diana’s old jewellery being melted down and sold to a gypsy. Apparently the gypsy is also a sex pest.

11AM: I return to the anti-Muslim story and ring up my old pals at Quilliam for some help. These guys are great – they say a hell of a lot of stuff against Islam and Muslims. I suppose they must really hate themselves and cry themselves to sleep each night nursing a Jack Daniels, but I don’t care. If I work in a quote from them and represent them as “moderates”, that gives me full license to then lay into anything Islamic as long as I label whatever I ridicule as “extremist”.

So I don’t like the fact Muslim women cover up and I want everyone to go around ripping hijabs off womens’ heads – or failing that, at least giving them a dirty look. But it might be a bit racist and discriminatory to come out and just say that. So instead I find some Muslim who says women don’t need to wear the hijab, I quote them and then spend the rest of the article ripping into “extremists” who believe in such tosh.

1PM: Some uppity Muslim woman emails to complain about the objectification of women going on down the sidebar on our website. I consider giving her a reasoned reply regarding our stance, but then remember that what makes our paper sell is our complete lack of reasoning and our haranguing of beleaguered minorities.

So I tell her she is far more oppressed than the half-naked women on our website and that she can f**k off back to Afghanistan and stop claiming benefits paid for by the loyal white, male, middle-class British taxpayer. She doesn’t take no for an answer and says she is coming in to see me.

2PM: I phone security and alert the guards downstairs to expect an imminent terrorist attack on the building by a jihadist burka-clad, oppressed, genitally-mutilated Muslim woman. I like this description so much that I decide that this will form the backbone of today’s Muslim story. I throw in the word “Nazi” and “Shariah law” for good measure and decide on the headline: “Nazi jihadist, genitally-mutilated burka-ninja denies oppression after Shariah bomb on London”.

3PM: The Muslim woman who emailed me in the morning about our sexism somehow gets past the guards. She comes in and gives me a carefully-evidenced feminist critique of my newspaper. I disagree violently with her but I am stunned and can’t say anything. I can’t get over the fact that the woman is white, speaks fluent English, and doesn’t seem that oppressed. I am very confused – like I am about my sexuality.

5PM: I continue to repress my feelings for other men and channel my frustration into another article littered with the words “gay”, “dyke”, “poof”, “homophobia”, and “batty boy”. I read through some drafts from my colleagues and their articles too are littered with the words like “gay”, “dyke”, “poof”, and “homophobia”. I wonder if they too have feelings like mine?

As you’re here…

5Pillars have one humble request from you…

Thousands of Muslims around the world visit our website for news every day. Due to the unfortunate reality of covering Muslim-related news in a heightened Islamophobic environment, our advertising and fundraising revenues have decreased significantly.

5Pillars is editorially and financially independent, with no sectarian or political allegiance to any particular group or movement. Our journalism has been exclusively grassroots focussed and our sole purpose is to defend Islam and Muslims in the media.

This makes us unique in comparison to other online Muslim media outlets who are neither independently regulated by a reputable body nor are they managed by qualified journalists.

Our journalism takes time, money and effort to deliver. But we do it because we believe we have a duty to Allah (swt).

You may not agree or like everything we publish. However, which other Muslim news site that is run by experienced journalists will take on the responsibility of being a shield for Islam and Muslims in the media?

If you follow 5Pillars, and you understand its importance in today’s climate, then please support us for as little as £5 a month, it only takes a minute to make a donation. Jazakallah khayran.

Our beloved Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said:“The best deeds are those done regularly, even if they are small.” [Ibn Mājah]

 

CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT 5PILLARS

Shares 0

Add your comments below