Are you young and naive, asks journalist Hassan Alkatib? Just finished a boring university degree perhaps? Are you the sort of person who’s itching to swap your British citizenship for a “Muslamic” one? Or maybe you’re looking for something more worthwhile than arguing on Facebook with Sufis about whether Milad is haram?
Well I have just the answer for you young lad! Here are five good reasons why you should join the unfairly maligned Islamic State of Iraq and al-Sham (ISIS).
1. Takfirism has become the favourite sport amongst Muslamic people in the last few years. Next time someone disagrees with you, on absolutely anything, just make takfir on them! How dare they disagree with you! Your uni degree obviously qualifies you more than most Islamic scholars out there. So what better way to do this than to join like-minded takfiris all gathered together under one banner?
But these guys don’t stop at takfir…
2. They exterminate! Killing, destroying, and ethnically cleansing has recently become a very fun and well paid job. Those shrines, mosques, churches, religious minorities and Muslim apostates obviously need to be destroyed. How on earth did the Companions (ra) of the Prophet (saw) miss them? No matter, you can put them to shame by showing how much more Muslamic you are. Just don’t forget to say “Takbeer” when you chop or blow their heads off.
3. The demonization of Islam and Muslims is just not enough, you’ve got to demonise Islam even more! How dare the Western kuffar do that when the oh-so holy Muslamic warrior, like you, can do it tenfold. This is your opportunity to distort and violate the teachings of Islam…and do it on camera for the whole world to see!
4. Your ideal dream of a massive Caliphate that would spread to the four corners of the earth is really going to come true! Just look at what the Great Caliph Osama Bin Laden achieved; he has a state encompassing Afghanistan, Pakistan, India and the Caucuses. Boko Haram have the whole of Africa right under their control (with Al-Shabab controlling regions in eastern Africa, and Ansar al-Sharia controlling all of north Africa). Even our friend Anjem Choudary has established Muslamic law in London.
So what the heck can go wrong?
5. Which brings me to my final point. Much more important than all the above. In fact, just carrying this out is better than anything you could ever do!
How about you serve the neo-con, Zionist, Western colonial agenda in the region and back home? Why not? Don’t worry, they’re not Shi’ites, so they’re fine. You should join hands with those that want to destroy the Ummah. You should create chaos, destruction, and hatred. You should distract resistance groups from fighting Israel. You should endeavour to split Muslim nations bit by bit until there are hundreds of Taifas.
Remember those? The small Muslim kingdoms in Spain that emerged from fighting and disunity in the 11th century. They later sowed the seeds of the elimination of Al-Andalus in 1492. Maybe you’ll be lucky enough to do the same to the whole Ummah!
So now that you know the ground rules, go on and join the Muslamic State of Idiots and Shambles, otherwise known as ISIS.
PS. If you’ve figured out that this is a satirical article then good, if not please join ISIS immediately!