There are different types of Muslims out there, writes journalist Hassan al Katib. Some are sectarian, others are takfiri, and some are just plain Sufi.
Below is a list of how and where you can spot one and what their good and bad points are. See which type you relate to most.
Disclaimer: This article is supposed to be satirical and plays on crude generalisations, with important political messages behind it.
The Sunni type follows the Quran and Sunnah (yes, all Muslim types do, but I thought I’d mention it). But it loves Arab monarchies, especially Qatar. It has too many misconceptions about the Shia types, and therefore it discriminates against them.
It wants to liberate Al-Quds but has forgotten how to do it. It can be spotted in Asia, Africa and everywhere else.
Wants to be understood by other Muslims. Hates Salafi/Wahabi types. The sell-outs among them admire Western warmongers like Bush and Blair. Known to differentiate between people based on lineage. Usually prefers to think about political events in the past and prepare for what might happen in the future, instead of concentrating on the present.
Very spiritual and peaceful. Spiritually peaceful and at peace … did I mention that it was peaceful? However, it hates Salafi types. Doesn’t like to get involved in politics, but accepts hoards of money from the government on stuff like “Preventing violent extremism.” Enemies of the Muslims love the Sufi type for its pacifism and subservience.
Very devout and God-fearing. Puritanical and literalist. It mostly despises and looks down on other types of Muslims. It hates man-made stuff and democracy, although it participated in elections in Egypt. It sees many things as haram or bid’a.
Always gets into an “I-am-right-you-are-wrong” argument with everyone. Increasing all over the globe, especially in Western countries.
It opposes takfiris but is intolerant of Islamists. Often seen with Zionists. Targets innocent Muslims on university campuses. Despises niqabs. Can easily turn into a dictator and despot in Muslim countries. It likes to rub shoulders with people in power and normally comes from a wealthy background.
Looks and acts like a non-Muslim. Usually found pontificating about its unpopular version of Islam in the media.
Don’t mess with this grumpy and dangerous type. Prepared to attack at any moment, for the smallest of reasons. Easily manipulated and highly naïve. Hates anyone that disagrees with it. Does unfortunately consist of a few Sunni and Shia types.
Contains all the above types who are just frustrated that Muslims are attacking each other and not concentrating on the real enemy. Usually insists on just calling itself a Muslim. Wants to fix the Ummah. Hasn’t come up with a good strategy on combating sectarianism.