Boris Johnson’s kids should be taken into care

Boris Johnson

Roshan Muhammed Salih says it’s time that we stood up for British values and snatched away the Mayor of London’s children from their comfortable homes and put them into some kind of brutal borstal.

Neo-Conservatism is a form of child abuse and the authorities must have the right to intervene.

The good people of this country are sick and tired of being forced to listen to the deranged rantings of Boris Johnson and his ilk, and our only consolation is that a slow and painful death may provide some kind of escape. God only knows what his kids are going through.

But in the meantime the burning question is: how do we prevent the young people of this country succumbing to that awful, contagious virus – rampant, radical Toryism?

Every day thousands of counter-terrorism officers do a wonderful job keeping us safe but I wonder if their resources wouldn’t be better deployed in monitoring, infiltrating and disrupting young Conservatives.

Alas there seems to be a genuine reluctance in this country to judge Tory culture even though that culture is putting young people at risk. Perhaps it’s political correctness, a squeamishness about intervening against a privileged group, but we need to be brave and assert our British values more strongly.

After all we are very familiar with the Tory type – posh, white, male, elitist, privately-educated, jacket and tie, side parting, arrogant, judgmental, patronising, money-obsessed, serial adulterer, war-mongering, Islamophobic, intolerant of minorities and the poor – yet we do nothing to counter them.

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But what is little understood is that young Tories are being radicalised at home. At present there’s a reluctance by social services to intervene, yet I’ve heard of at least one case of a teenage Tory already advocating the privatisation of fresh air and the imminent invasion of a random brown country.

So the law should obviously regard Toryism as a form of child abuse. There should be a clearer legal position so that would-be capitalists and imperialists can be taken into care for their own safety and the safety of the public. We should start with Boris Johnson’s kids.

This article is a satirical response to an article Boris Johnson wrote in the Telegraph on March 2:


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