In this satirical piece, political blogger Mohammed Usman explains why he’s so relieved that Ramadan has arrived.
Muslims are under siege with more draconian anti-terror laws, Prevent pressure, media demonisation, physical attacks and so forth. It�s all depressing. At times you don�t know whether to laugh or cry. So here�s a light hearted look at some recent events.
Ramadan banned in schools
Muslim children have been banned from fasting at some schools. Anti-Extremism advisers suggested teachers smell children�s breathe to check if they are fasting or not. Muslim activists responded by saying the whole episode stinks of an agenda.
The Government has intervened and David Cameron responded in his Ramadan message stating �Muslims must adopt British values by abstaining from eating only chocolate during the holy month�. Rumour has it that a scholar is working on a fatwa that only requires Muslims to abstain from one type of food only during Ramadan.
Quilliam’s spyware and makeshift scholar
The Quilliam Foundation�s spyware for Muslim kids is having technical problems. Children are being reported to Channel programme for use of a particular word. Quilliam! Apparently the Q word pops up as one of the indicators of extremism as well as the word Usama. Q have been busy explaining that was another Quilliam and Usama.
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Teachers are now questioning the whole theory of radicalisation, asking how come a white Englishman in Victorian times was radicalised, if this is a recent issue. A mother and baby have also been referred at school. The baby apparently used the word yoyo. The mother said the baby meant dodo.
Usama Hasan, has issued a fatwa on shortening fasts when nobody appears to have asked for it.
His religious ideas have evolved from shortening trousers to shortening fasts.
Strange combination this Q lot. A man who likes sexy women and frequents a strip joint, a redundant ex Jihadi scholar, and ex-businessman, in bed with the state.
The perfect combination of sex just like the hot stuff you’d find at watchmygf adult, money, religion and power. Expect more fatwas.
Apparently they�re preparing another fatwa for Eid celebrations.
It�s on the subject of Muslims and partying. Q are having a Summer Ball, tickets cost hundreds of pounds; and if your prepared to pay top whack, you get a special performance from Majid Nawaz singing �don�t you wish your girlfriend was hot like me, don�t ya don�t ya� with a stripper. The location is top secret.
Meanwhile, Asghar Bukhari is having a hard time persuading people that Zionists have sneaked into his house and pinched his shoe. The Israeli embassy responded, �we’re not into religious footgear anymore, that went out with the 10 commandments, were into real estate now�.
I think he�s looking in the wrong direction. It�s the Q lot. They�ve discovered that extremists have a particular foot odour and have used Asghar�s shoe to analyse it. People will be subject to the “shoe test” to get into the ball. It�s the latest in anti-extremist detection technology.
Jihad: A British Story
The good news is that dad�s army is back. The Muslim version. It features ageing redundant ex jihadis, reminiscing and repenting their past. It features a group of friends who trotted off to the Afghan Jihad. Unfortunately, there are no pension schemes for retired jihadis. So they�ve had to reinvent themselves to make a living.
Abu Muntasir of JIMAS, the self-declared founding father is now a psycho-therapist. Usama, doesn�t care much for founding father theories now. He�s studying apes and believes man descended from them. Speak for yourself Sam!
Former hippy turned Jihadi; Alyas Karmani is now an anthropologist.
He�s conducted a study of the sex lives of the native Jihadi.
He�s come up with a de-radicalisation programme called �let’s talk about sex�.
He clearly thinks there are some sexguarding issues here.
The only problem is that ISIS beat him to the theory, and are doing a booming business in sex slave auctions and concubines.
The first episode shows all of them engaged in a group therapy session admitting their crimes and asking for forgiveness from the British public. The climax of the session was Abu Muntansir demonstrating the latest technique in psycho- therapeutic stress relief – “crying out loud”. The technique has become so popular that it has replaced LOL on social media.
Muntasir has become a hit with the British public. Simon Cowell spotting the potential has taken him under his wing and will release his first solo, emulating the Bob Marley classic � “no jihad no cry“.
Her Majesty’s royal recognitions
More good news, Muslim contribution to UK life has been recognised by Her Majesty. More Muslims have received honours. Muslims just love honours as portrayed in an episode of Citizen Khan. Recognising this the Tories have decided to use this to enforce British values and integration by giving everyone a title.
Here�s the new list.
Member of British Extremists, MBE � issued to every Muslims who dares challenge Foreign policy or supports a normative version of Islam.
Order of British Extremist OBE – Otherwise known as Extremist Orders.
Commander of British Extremists CBE – Reserved for specially designated preachers, who are considered influential on Muslims.
Khalifah of British Extremists KBE � issued by HM or those who want to establish Khilafah in Britain or any other land in former empire. I hear Anjem Choudary�s already on his way to Buckingham Palace with the black flag to down his claim.
David Cameron has also announced that he will drop his plans to ban Muslim groups. Instead, he will forcibly re-classify them and change their role to ensure they adopt British values. A leaked document revealed the following:
Islamic Forum Europe will become “Islam For Entryists”, promotion of entry level British Islam
MCB – Muslims Companions of Britain.
UKIM – United Knights of Immigrant Muslims
ISB � Islamic Sons of Britain
British Muslim Forum – British Maulana Friends
Minhaj Ul Quran – Minhaj ul Queen
MEND – Muslims Extremists in Need of Democracy.
CAGE – Campaign Against Guantanamo Extremists
IERA – Islamic Extremists Recently Anointed to introduce new Muslims to British values!
IHRC – Iranian Humanists Revolutionary Command
Hizb-ut Tahrir – Help for Terrorists
Quilliam Foundation – make your own up – here�s mine Queens Foundation
All I can say is thank God it’s Ramadan. Make sure you are not honoured in this world and humiliated in the next.
This month forget all the attacks and focus on the “5Pillars”.
And remember if you�re thinking of boycotting Israeli dates, McChisty�s watching you!
NB the events in claims in this piece do not purport to be factual representations.